so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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