hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
