my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
