I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
