All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
