I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
