Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
