so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
