I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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