shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
