I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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