I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
