Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
