I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
