it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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