My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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