Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
