Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
