You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
