Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
