Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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