So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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