like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
