please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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