yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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