no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
