Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
