guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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