Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
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GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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