I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
