I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
no you cant smoke seaweed
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
