I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
