nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
