better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
