She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
