We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
