we made out on top of his cat.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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