I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
