fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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