I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I wear drunk well.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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