Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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