i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
