Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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