i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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