my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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