Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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