Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
