my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
