He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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