she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
