News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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